It's a hot summer night - July 20 to be precise - and members of Duluth band Bone Appetit are preparing for their next big concert. They're huddled around a table at the Chalet, a combination bar, restaurant and Laundromat in Hermantown, Minn. They're smoking and drinking and trying to come up with some new stage names.

Guitar player Josh "Sudden Death" Scheerz is in the Twin Cities, serving as a groomsman in his sister's wedding. Drummer Chip "Double Barrel" Rogers is there too, videotaping the nuptials. So tonight they'll be replaced in Bone Appetit by two members of another Duluth band, Poorus. Julian Malone will do the drumming, and Bill Meier will play guitar. You'd think these guys might want to practice a little or at least discuss the set list of tonight's show, but, in the world of Bone Appetit, coming up with the right stage names for the fill-ins is job number one. So, a brainstorming session begins.

Bone Appetit, by the way, is the group that promoted itself in its first year as "Duluth's worst band." Its members later gathered the audacity to advertise themselves as "Duluth's sexiest band." Their performances are some sort of Guns 'n' Roses or Motley Crue tribute show, minus the tribute. Bone Appetit songs are mostly originals, but are decidedly unoriginal. Punk rock fans in the Twin Ports have embraced the band for its irony, though no one really understands what the irony is. The band appears to be sincere, even though its shtick is so Spinal-Tap-ish that no one fully believes it's for real.

Decide for yourself: The group determines that Malone will be "Bones Malone" and Meier will be "Two-time" (because when he played with the band once before, he was "One-time"). Lead vocalist Cory "Hot Rod" Ahlm, who by day is a Domino's Pizza deliveryman, has arranged for his band to play the high school graduation party for one of his co-workers tonight. This co-worker, by the way, has never heard Bone Appetit play before.

Since it will be an alcohol-free party, the band is attempting to get as drunk as possible in advance. After leaving the Chalet, the next stop is a nearby liquor store, where a bottle of gin is purchased for spiking sodas at the "concert."

After a long SUV trip down the St. Louis River Road, the band arrives at an off-the-map suburban castle, where Mom and Dad have a nice little spread of weenies and nacho chips and cake laid out. About 50 teenagers are mingling under a backyard tent awning. The first thing band members do upon arrival is get out of the truck and piss on the driveway. This goes largely unseen by the partiers.

The band hangs out behind the truck for about a half hour, either to help facilitate the "surprise entrance" important to all concerts, or else to more freely swill gin without parental supervision.

Things threaten to take a turn for the risque when it's announced that Jell-O brand gelatin wrestling is about to begin. Sure enough, someone has built a big wooden Jell-O box, similar in appearance to a sandbox, on the lawn next to the house. But none of the girls step forward to wrestle. Finally, two guys end up wrestling. Then, one of the guys wrestles his sister. The band sees this as an opportunity to emerge from behind the truck and raid the food tables.

Finally it's time for the main event. Bone Appetit takes the stage, er, porch, and begins thrashing out its patented 1980's shop class music. It goes over about as well as Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear off.

In addition to the handicaps of playing to a group of people who just don't get it at all, the band's usual incompetence is exacerbated by two confused replacement members and fact that only one P.A. speaker is in operation because they forgot to pack the cord for the other one.

Mom, by the way, can be seen behind the band, flinching at every cuss word that Hot Rod inserts into his between-song speeches about how it's time to party now. Dad is busy walking the perimeter of the lawn spraying deadly chemicals at the approximately nine billion mosquitoes, all of which are poised to penetrate the Deet cloud and land on guitarist Ryan "Richie Gunns" Van Slooten's shirtless, pasty white body.

It should also be noted hat Bone Malone and Two-time are both about the same age as the parents, which causes everyone some embarrassment. Adding to the awkwardness is the fact that Bones Malone can't stop eyeing up the mom.

Two of the band member's girlfriends are dancing in an effort to get the crowd started, but it's no use. They are discussing whether to lift their shirts and show their breasts, in a final plea for rowdiness, when all eyes suddenly turn to the left of the "stage," where a kid is standing up and vomiting on the grass. Another kid explains: "We had a milk-drinking contest earlier."

There will be no encores. After hyping their debut album Love, Lust and Rock 'n' Roll, as if doing so could possibly result in a single sale, out anti-heroes play their final song, then awkwardly begin packing up their gear to a smattering of limp applause.

To add insult to injury, one of the kids in the crowd picks up the microphone and starts singing an 'N Sync song, and the crowd goes wild

APRIL 2006
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