Welcome to day 27 of a 30-day tribute to the history of Duluth's favorite
sons, Bone Appetit. Use the Calendar at right to view days you missed.

April 27 -   Stupid Shit, Part II

We're well in the homestretch now, so we might as well coast through today with another smattering of random ridiculousness from Bone Appetit. Get some popcorn popped, this one is big ...

And we're off!

The guys in Bone Appetit were clearly not the best scholars at UMD. They would party too much, and when finals came around, stay up all night to cram. Even that was too much focusing however, and so the band would resort to calling the KOOL 101.7 morning show "Donut Holes" at 5am to request and dedicate songs. Below is a rare clip of the Donut Holes talking about Bone Appetit after playing Steppenwolf per their request.

Donut Holes.mp3 - 1.1 MB

Early Bone Appetit attended a concert by The Donnas at First Avenue, and waited afterwards (along with a bunch of fat dudes with pony-tails) in order to meet the band and profess their appreciation. They were going to tell the gals about how they covered "Skintight" and thought they really rocked. However when the moment came, Hot Rod said something weird along the lines of "Bone Appetit eats The Donnas." This thoroughly creeped them out, and obviously an opening slot on their tour for Bone Appetit was now out of the question.

Bone Appetit actually had an honest-to-God tribute/cover band called Brain Invaders that was made up of various friends and drunks. They played one show at the Norshor Theater and were horrible. Absolutely horrible. Fucking awful. Bone Appetit felt pretty good about themselves leaving the bar that night.

Duluth's Real Worst Band (just behind Sunny Wicked)

After a particularly bad show one night, Bone Appetit returned to their house to continue drinking and recorded a rather intoxicated a capella version of the classic "So Much In Love" that must be heard to be believed.

So Drunk in Love.mp3 - 3.3 MB

Bone Appetit famously played the birthday party of "cork2" (brother of "cork1" from the Message Board). His roommates knew he loved Bone Appetit and so they lured the band with free drinks to play in their basement as a birthday surprise That afternoon cork2 walked in the door after work to the typical "surprise!" and began mingling with guests. Minutes later, cork1 calls on his cell phone and tells his brother he can't make it to the party, but he left something downstairs for him. As cork2 descended the stairs Bone Appetit ripped into their set to the surprise and delight of the birthday boy.

The exact context under which these were made isn't exactly remembered, only that Hot Rod thought the arm-wrestling classic Over the Top was a great movie, and Richie would actually watch the feel-good film Rudy to get fired up before shows. Seriously.

Bone Appetit was also contracted to play a graduation party one summer. The entire tale of what happened that day is not know to many people, although it received a brief mention in the City Pages' 2002 Year in Music issue, next to a picture of Barrel and Death's musical hero Paul Westerberg.

Here for the first time(?) publicly is the telling of that event by Paul Lundgren, who was gratious enough to provide his piece for publication here. It is a must read for any Bone Appetit fan.

It's a hot summer night - July 20 to be precise - and members of Duluth band Bone Appetit are preparing for their next big concert. They're huddled around a table at the Chalet, a combination bar, restaurant and Laundromat in Hermantown, Minn. They're smoking and drinking and trying to come up with some new stage names.

Guitar player Josh "Sudden Death" Scheerz is in the Twin Cities, serving as a groomsman in his sister's wedding. Drummer Chip "Double Barrel" Rogers is there too, videotaping the nuptials. So tonight they'll be replaced in Bone Appetit by two members of another Duluth band, Poorus. Julian Malone will do the drumming, and Bill Meier will play guitar. You'd think these guys might want to practice a little or at least discuss the set list of tonight's show, but, in the world of Bone Appetit, coming up with the right stage names for the fill-ins is job number one. So, a brainstorming session begins.

Bone Appetit, by the way, is the group that promoted itself in its first year as "Duluth's worst band." Its members later gathered the audacity to advertise themselves as "Duluth's sexiest band." Their performances are some sort of Guns 'n' Roses or Motley Crue tribute show, minus the tribute. Bone Appetit songs are mostly originals, but are decidedly unoriginal. Punk rock fans in the Twin Ports have embraced the band for its irony, though no one really understands what the irony is. The band appears to be sincere, even though its shtick is so Spinal-Tap-ish that no one fully believes it's for real.

Decide for yourself: The group determines that Malone will be "Bones Malone" and Meier will be "Two-time" (because when he played with the band once before, he was "One-time"). Lead vocalist Cory "Hot Rod" Ahlm, who by day is a Domino's Pizza deliveryman, has arranged for his band to play the high school graduation party for one of his co-workers tonight. This co-worker, by the way, has never heard Bone Appetit play before.

Since it will be an alcohol-free party, the band is attempting to get as drunk as possible in advance. After leaving the Chalet, the next stop is a nearby liquor store, where a bottle of gin is purchased for spiking sodas at the "concert."

After a long SUV trip down the St. Louis River Road, the band arrives at an off-the-map suburban castle, where Mom and Dad have a nice little spread of weenies and nacho chips and cake laid out. About 50 teenagers are mingling under a backyard tent awning. The first thing band members do upon arrival is get out of the truck and piss on the driveway. This goes largely unseen by the partiers.

The band hangs out behind the truck for about a half hour, either to help facilitate the "surprise entrance" important to all concerts, or else to more freely swill gin without parental supervision.

Things threaten to take a turn for the risque when it's announced that Jell-O brand gelatin wrestling is about to begin. Sure enough, someone has built a big wooden Jell-O box, similar in appearance to a sandbox, on the lawn next to the house. But none of the girls step forward to wrestle. Finally, two guys end up wrestling. Then, one of the guys wrestles his sister. The band sees this as an opportunity to emerge from behind the truck and raid the food tables.

Finally it's time for the main event. Bone Appetit takes the stage, er, porch, and begins thrashing out its patented 1980's shop class music. It goes over about as well as Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear off.

In addition to the handicaps of playing to a group of people who just don't get it at all, the band's usual incompetence is exacerbated by two confused replacement members and fact that only one P.A. speaker is in operation because they forgot to pack the cord for the other one.

Mom, by the way, can be seen behind the band, flinching at every cuss word that Hot Rod inserts into his between-song speeches about how it's time to party now. Dad is busy walking the perimeter of the lawn spraying deadly chemicals at the approximately nine billion mosquitoes, all of which are poised to penetrate the Deet cloud and land on guitarist Ryan "Richie Gunns" Van Slooten's shirtless, pasty white body.

It should also be noted hat Bone Malone and Two-time are both about the same age as the parents, which causes everyone some embarrassment. Adding to the awkwardness is the fact that Bones Malone can't stop eyeing up the mom.

Two of the band member's girlfriends are dancing in an effort to get the crowd started, but it's no use. They are discussing whether to lift their shirts and show their breasts, in a final plea for rowdiness, when all eyes suddenly turn to the left of the "stage," where a kid is standing up and vomiting on the grass. Another kid explains: "We had a milk-drinking contest earlier."

There will be no encores. After hyping their debut album Love, Lust and Rock 'n' Roll, as if doing so could possibly result in a single sale, out anti-heroes play their final song, then awkwardly begin packing up their gear to a smattering of limp applause.

To add insult to injury, one of the kids in the crowd picks up the microphone and starts singing an 'N Sync song, and the crowd goes wild

APRIL 2006
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Love, Lust, and Rock n' Roll
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BONE APPETIT will play
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at 12:30AM at RT Quinlan's.

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